


This Is The Pits

by Milligan (Blackheathen)



Category: Labyrinth (1986)
Genre: Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-25
Updated: 2020-06-25
Packaged: 2021-03-04 02:34:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,408
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24906139
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Blackheathen/pseuds/Milligan
Summary: Hoggle has a new job.
Kudos: 1





	This Is The Pits

This Is The Pits

"He's gone and moved it again". The voice was as disinterested in this discovery as  its owner. Hoggle glanced aside at his companion. The gloomy light hid his goblin co-worker's more interesting bodily accoutrements, but only just. The bulging eyes, flapping  moth eaten ears and lolling tongue were all too visible for Hoggle's taste.

He scowled and scuffed the floor with his boot. Not so long ago, his visual appreciations had changed. It was all Sarah's fault, but Hoggle had not the heart to chastise her for it. "Why would he move it?" he asked, not really caring except for the vague notion of seeing whether this goblin was one of the few that could take the next intellectual leap.

"Tis not a goblin's place to question the King. Not Maggot anyhows".

"I didn't mean for you to go ask him  _ personally _ . I meant, why do  _ you _ think he would move it?"

There was silence as the goblin called Maggot (a most popular name, for Hoggle knew several) fired  its synapses.

"Maggot think, Maggot think..."

"Oh, don't bother"

"Thankyou"

"Don't mention it. So, does that mean we're officially lost?"

"I suppose so. But doesn't it sound better if we say  _ it's  _ lost?"

"Not really. And there's no way in Bog that I'll be the one  standin ' up in the throne room to announce it neither" Hoggle replied, already seeing the scene in his head. Damned Jareth probably set the whole thing up just for the humiliation factor. Not that he hadn't already seen to that. Hoggle hung his head as he remembered Jareth magicking his beloved jewels away, but he hadn't been truly surprised. In  fact he'd expected no less from his illustrious King, a creature often most childlike in  its determination - if I can't have mine own treasure, then neither shall anyone else!

Across the narrow corridor, Maggot pouted and picked up the handle of his little hand cart. "Aww, the King wouldn't hear us nohow. Doesn't listen to his gobby friends no more" he said, padding away up a side passage that looked no different to any other Hoggle had so far traversed. Against his better judgement, Hoggle followed. After all, being two people lost together was better than one alone. Maybe. Maggot's stench trailed in his wake and Hoggle cursed. How could they ever hope to find it with that amount of stink?

The goblin stumbled over a bucket and shouted in apparent glee.

"Is this it?" Hoggle asked hopefully, peering into the murky depths. Something gurgled in the bottom of the bucket. Had he not had the previous  grandeur of the Bog to compare it by, Hoggle might have passed out then and there.

"Nah"

"How..how can you tell?" he choked, knowing his voice sounded silly with his nose so firmly pinched. In the dull light, he thought the goblin looked crafty.

"Maggot knows". He swung the full bucket into his hand cart and deftly replaced it with an empty one. Hoggle wondered how long he'd been down here.

"How'd you end up...with this ah, job?"

"Ah, Maggot was so bad" the goblin moaned.

"Really? How bad is bad enough for Jareth? Doesn't he, you know, encourage that sort of thing with you lot?"

"Maggot chewed a baby"

"You did  _ what?" _

"It was just a little one"

"Little baby?" Hoggle asked, feeling ill.

"No, no, little chew. Nibble, you know?"

"Not really" Hoggle muttered, eyeing the goblin's rusty teeth. But he was filled with a sudden concern for Sarah's brother. But no, surely she would have mentioned it if her wish-away had been nibbled. The goblin barked, and Hoggle jumped, hitting his head on the low ceiling. Maggot had found another bucket.

"Not it, isn't it?"

"Nope"

"How long are we gonna be down here then? I mean, we could be in here forever. I'm assuming there's no map or anything"

"Map? Map in the Labyrinth!" the goblin scoffed loudly. Hoggle wanted to throttle the creature, even though he knew it was right to laugh at his suggestion. Maps or guides of any kind were pointless, since Jareth could change anything and everything in the blink of an eye. Well, most things anyway, and what he couldn't control he locked up tight, or hid it so well that even  _ he _ couldn't find it.

"So why's 'his majesty' not listening to his gobby friends then?" Hoggle asked. Goblins were the only race in the Labyrinth stupid enough to want to mingle on a daily basis with the King, and he was curious as what Maggot thought 'not listening' meant. Jareth typically listened to none.

"Ah well, ever since, umm, you know, since  _ her _ ..."

"You mean Sarah" Hoggle  interrupted . Maggot put his fingers in his large ears.

"Ooh, don't say her name. Knobby got magicked cause a certain someone" the goblin said in a whisper, peering around in the gloom as if he expected Jareth to roll out of a crystal ball, "heard 'im say her name! And Knobby was cussing her good too!".

"Okay okay! Don't get jumpy, cause there's no way Jareth would ever come down here, even for me"

"Don't bet on it" Maggot replied, grinning widely. "Maggot knows all about what Hogsy did"

"It's Hoggle"

"Yeah yeah. Well, our King's been a bit busy lately"

"Busy? How? He's not left his tower for weeks now. What could he be doing to make him busy?"

"Ah, that's secret stuff. Goblin's know it. Hogsy doesn't know it"

"Aw you're just lying now. You know nothing. You've not been out of this sewer for months, admit it! You're just guessing!" Hoggle shouted, hoping the smelly thing would fall for the oldest trick in the book. He wasn't disappointed.

"I does know! My uncle Grot, well he's head goblin in the housekeeping squadron, (a dubious honour, thought Hoggle), and he tells me that every morning our King Jareth stumbles out of 'is tower room, clutchin 'is guts and all. Makes straight for the you-know-what he does, and 'is all dressed up fine and dandy like he's bin out on the town. Real jools on 'is slippers too, my uncle said, cause one fell off an he..."

"All dressed up?" Hoggle  interrupted again. No one ever saw Jareth as anything  _ but  _ dressed up. The creature was as vain as a  peacock, and brooked no insults to his bulging wardrobe.

"Yah yah, you know....dressed up, like for a ball!"

"A ball? But there's been no other fae in the Castle for centuries. Who'd he be going to the ball with?"

"Dunno, but them's royal slippers are all worn down you know. Uncle Grot said so. And he, the King that is, looks mighty pleased with himself. Singin' even. You can hears him sometimes, down here"

"Singing" Hoggle muttered. That could only mean Jareth was happy. It was such an interesting preposition that Hoggle momentarily forgot his current unenviable position as the castle's newest privy cleaner. And a lost one at that. Perhaps the goblin's suggestion did sound easier. They weren't lost, it was. Just as maybe it wasn't Sarah that was lost to them, but to Jareth himself. That thought sent a chill down his spine, because Hoggle had lived a long time, and knew all about  fae creatures and their fancies. But Sarah was safe in the Overlands, wasn't she? There was no way Jareth could trick his way into her life again, surely?

Up ahead, the goblin called Maggot squeaked in sudden relief and Hoggle hurried to see.

"Ah now, here we are! We found it, we found it! Maggot's not lost, oh no he's not lost!" the goblin capered as it danced little circles around the bucket. Hoggle snorted in both relief and disgust. Relief, for it was so obviously Jareth's with  its golden hue and eye motifs engraved on it. How typical! A golden privy bucket. The disgust came from another aspect of said bucket.

"Good Bog! What makes that....mess?" he said, withdrawing as far as he could from the contents. They had an odd smell about them, he could almost place it....now where had he smelt  _ that  _ before?

Maggot's face was grave as he carefully ladled the bucket load into his cart. "Ah, tsk tsk" he said as if scolding a wayward gobling "it's too much of a good thing what does this"

"What good thing...would that be?"

"Too many peaches"

The End


End file.
